2014년 11월 24일 월요일
Peer Evaluation for 20323 최유림
According to the rubric above, what grade would you give this essay? Why?
Her essay deserves 5 points. Her essay is techincally perfect, and very persuasive.
How does this essay need to improve to get a better grade?
I think her essay is perfect so she don't need to improve it.
Thesis
What is the thesis?
Language or culture, which one is more dominant?
Is the thesis clear and debatable?
Yes and Yes.
If you (The reviewer) wrote this essay, how would you have written the thesis?
Language is more dominant than culture.
Any other thoughts?
Her thesis is interesting. I think this thesis can make good persuasive essay.
Classical Argument
Can you easily identify the 5 parts of the classical argument? If no, what parts are missing?
There are 5 parts of the classical argument.
Does the introduction catch your attention? Does it comfortably lead to the thesis?
The introduction catch my attention because she inserted some theories. Also, it comfortably lead to the thesis.
Does the narration give all the necessary background information to understand the topic?
Yes. She wrote narration by citing expert's theories.
Does the confirmation adequately support the thesis?
Yes. Her confirmation support the thesis very well.
Does the refutation and concession address a realistic counterpoint? Does it adequately dispute the counterpoint, or respond in a reasonable manner?
Yes. Her refutation and concession adequately dispute the counterpoint.
What suggestions do you have for improving the classical argument structure?
Her essay is very persuasive.
When you started reading the essay, did you agree or disagree with the thesis?
I agree with the thesis.
When you finished the essay, did you agree or disagree with the thesis?
I still agreed with the thesis.
If your mind changed, why? What parts of the essay were persuasive?
I did not change my mind.
How could the author enhance the persuasive parts of their essay?
It's persuasive, but if she add some additional sources, it will be more persuasive.
Research
Is the author using research effectively?
Yes.
Is the research from appropriate sources?
Yes.
Are the sources obvious?
Yes.
Are the pieces of evidence relevant to the thesis or essay?
Yes, sources are relevant to the thesis.
Are there any parts of the essay that need evidence to support the claims?
It's enough to support the claims.
Her essay deserves 5 points. Her essay is techincally perfect, and very persuasive.
How does this essay need to improve to get a better grade?
I think her essay is perfect so she don't need to improve it.
Thesis
What is the thesis?
Language or culture, which one is more dominant?
Is the thesis clear and debatable?
Yes and Yes.
If you (The reviewer) wrote this essay, how would you have written the thesis?
Language is more dominant than culture.
Any other thoughts?
Her thesis is interesting. I think this thesis can make good persuasive essay.
Classical Argument
Can you easily identify the 5 parts of the classical argument? If no, what parts are missing?
There are 5 parts of the classical argument.
Does the introduction catch your attention? Does it comfortably lead to the thesis?
The introduction catch my attention because she inserted some theories. Also, it comfortably lead to the thesis.
Does the narration give all the necessary background information to understand the topic?
Yes. She wrote narration by citing expert's theories.
Does the confirmation adequately support the thesis?
Yes. Her confirmation support the thesis very well.
Does the refutation and concession address a realistic counterpoint? Does it adequately dispute the counterpoint, or respond in a reasonable manner?
Yes. Her refutation and concession adequately dispute the counterpoint.
What suggestions do you have for improving the classical argument structure?
Her essay is very persuasive.
When you started reading the essay, did you agree or disagree with the thesis?
I agree with the thesis.
When you finished the essay, did you agree or disagree with the thesis?
I still agreed with the thesis.
If your mind changed, why? What parts of the essay were persuasive?
I did not change my mind.
How could the author enhance the persuasive parts of their essay?
It's persuasive, but if she add some additional sources, it will be more persuasive.
Research
Is the author using research effectively?
Yes.
Is the research from appropriate sources?
Yes.
Are the sources obvious?
Yes.
Are the pieces of evidence relevant to the thesis or essay?
Yes, sources are relevant to the thesis.
Are there any parts of the essay that need evidence to support the claims?
It's enough to support the claims.
2014년 11월 10일 월요일
Second Draft
Topic : Internet real name system should be enforced.
Lots of people started to communicate each other long time ago. They communicated with their parents, friends, co-workers, etc. Until the 1970s, they communicated each other to face-to-face, however, when computers started to disseminated, people started to communicate through computers. Propagation of computers are good for all humans, because they can communicate easily although they stay far away. However, propagation of computers also have negative effects. One of the problem is anonymity. People say bad words to other people through computers, while using internet anonymity. Because of them, victims are damaged and sometimes, victims take extreme actions such as suicide. Some says regulating internet anonymity is violating freedom of expression, however, I think internet anonymity should be regulated.
Before I start this essay, I would like to define netiquette. Netiquette is the combination of network and etiquette. It means that as there is etiquette in social activities, there is a etiquette in the network activities. Next, I will going to define internet anonymity. Internet anonymity means that people who use internet hides their real names and reveal their nicknames so other people can't distinguish who write comments. Last, all I'm saying is in the case of Korea, and internet anonymity became effective in 2007, however it ceased because of some citizen's complaint. Based on these, I think Internet anonymity should be regulated because of reduction of internet bullying, support of the people, and not invading freedom of expression(refutation).
First, reduction of internet bullying. If internet anonymity were regulated, internet can be orderly place because people are scared of posting internet bullying while their real name is revealed through internet communities and as a result, people who post something will think one more time. This situation can cause decrease of the number of internet bullying. To prove this, after enforcing internet real name system, the percentage of internet bullying reduced about 1.7%. It was not a great effect, however, I think that reducing internet bullying is meaningful of internet real name system, not a percentage of reduction of internet bullying. As a result, I think internet real name system should be enforced.
Second, support of the people. Lots of people supported about internet real name system. There are lots of surveys about agreeing internet real name system. When the congress voted about enforcing internet real name system, the majority of people, who works in 한나라당, 민주노동당, 자유선진당, 창조한국당, 진보신당 agreed to enforce internet real name system. Also, when government surveyed each ages about enforcing internet real name system, all age group agreed to enforce internet real name system. In addition, the majority of women and men also agreed to implement internet real name system. We can also see that every regional groups agreed more about internet real name system. Furthermore, The professor named 이재교 wrote a column in December, 5, 2008, which was about delaying internet real name system is no sense. Like these, when we saw this surveys and a column, lots of people wants to have a internet real name systems. Therefore, internet real name system should be enforced.
Third, some says that internet real name system invades a freedom of expressions, however I don't think that it is not important. Opposing internet real name system because of invasion of privacy is nonsense. People who insist maintaining internet anonymity says that since internet users names are revealed through the Internet, they are hard to write their posts because of invasion of privacy. However, I think that despite maintaining internet anonymity, it's hard to guarantee individuals privacy. In any case, it's hard to guarantee individuals privacy, so I think that enforcing internet real name system is more beneficial rather than writing a bad words to other people by using anonymity. As a result, opinions of opponents about internet real name system is not important.
Until now, I wrote about enforcing internet real name system. To sum up, I think internet real name system should be enforced. I mentioned reduction of internet bullying, support of the people, and refutation about invading freedom of expression. Development of internet enables people to communicate more easier. They can communicate through lots of websites. However, in the act of communicating, some people use bad words to other people, while using their nicknames. This can be a criminal act. If internet anonymity maintained, lots of people will be damaged because of internet bullying and in the extreme case, some victims try to suicide because of internet bullying. Internet bullying is a serious problem not only in Korea, but also in worldwide. A short word can cause other people damaged, which we called cutting remarks. To solve this problem, internet real name system should be enforced. By enforcing internet real name system, internet can be a orderly place and no internet bullying place.
SURVEYS
2014년 11월 3일 월요일
Research 11/4
Research
Surveys said that 62.7% of students responded that internet anonymity can reduce internet bullying.
Also, another survey said that 63.1% of people who are older than 19 said that internet anonymity should be enforced.
Eric Schmidt, who is the president of goolge said that "we have to find methods about catching internet bulliers and deleting their posts." Also, he said that "At least in SNS, internet anonymity should be enforced."
The professor named 이재교 wrote a column in December, 5, 2008, which was about delaying internet anonymity is no sense."
http://kin.naver.com/qna/detail.nhn?d1id=11&dirId=110201&docId=208472959&qb=7J247YSw64S3IOyLpOuqheygnCDssKzshLEg7J6Q66OM&enc=utf8§ion=kin&rank=2&search_sort=0&spq=0&sp=1&pid=SamTmlpySoVssZhTTIRsssssssd-180709&sid=VFhWGgpyVo8AAEYJHrE
Surveys said that 62.7% of students responded that internet anonymity can reduce internet bullying.
Also, another survey said that 63.1% of people who are older than 19 said that internet anonymity should be enforced.
Eric Schmidt, who is the president of goolge said that "we have to find methods about catching internet bulliers and deleting their posts." Also, he said that "At least in SNS, internet anonymity should be enforced."
The professor named 이재교 wrote a column in December, 5, 2008, which was about delaying internet anonymity is no sense."
http://kin.naver.com/qna/detail.nhn?d1id=11&dirId=110201&docId=208472959&qb=7J247YSw64S3IOyLpOuqheygnCDssKzshLEg7J6Q66OM&enc=utf8§ion=kin&rank=2&search_sort=0&spq=0&sp=1&pid=SamTmlpySoVssZhTTIRsssssssd-180709&sid=VFhWGgpyVo8AAEYJHrE
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