Final Draft

Topic : Internet real name system should be enforced.

 Communication is the basic thing in human relationship. Thanks to communication, people can get things that they want. Also, there was no problem about bad words because people communicate face-to-face and they can know who say bad words to other people. However, as means of communications evolved from face-to-face to internet chatting, some people are saying bad words to other people through internet chatting because they don't perceive seriousness about internet bullying. Due to internet bullying, victims of internet bullying can be depressed and come down with depressive order and as a result, victims choose extreme situation such as suicide. To solve this problem, I think Internet real name system should be enforced although it was abolished few years ago.

To start this essay, defining internet real name system is necessary. According to professor Jo-so-young's thesis, He classified anonymous representation into 4 parts. First, a user do not reveal their identification and communicate through the middleman, so only the middleman know the user's identification. Second, a user encode and resend all things in the network through lots of middlemen until it is reached to the last addressee. In this method, user's anonymity can be reinforced relatively. Third, a user communicate in limited anonymity by using nicknames and middlemen keep these records. Fourth, a user uses nicknames by connecting lots of people in network. In this method, a user changes his nickname because his identity will be revealed through back tracking. In reality, third method is applied to us as an internet anonymity, and people who support anonymity protection argues that when second and fourth method are allowed, freedom of anonymity can be guaranteed.

The opposite of internet anonymity is internet real name system. Internet real name system is that when a user who wants to register something through the Internet, they need to identify their informations to network service center such as their names, birthdays, and so on. According to columnist named Lee-Yun-Bae, due to anonymity abuse, the harm of anonymity outweighed the benefit of anonymity. In other words, anonymity's limited expense grow bigger than limited utility expenses. He argued eventually that internet real name system should be enforced in order to make Korea a key role of internet. I agreed with his thought. Here are 3 reasons why I support this, decrease of internet bullying, upright internet culture&morality and invade freedom of expression(refutation).

First, decrease of internet bullying. Internet real name system can make internet an orderly place because netizens will think once again before writing bad words to other people because their name will be revealed and if they wrote bad words to other people, lots of people will know his identification and the he will be stigmatized as a keyboard warrior. According to CIZION, there was a statistic that internet bullying was dramatically decreased after internet real name system was adapted in 2012/5. Before this regulation enforced, the percentage of internet bullying was 74.1%, however, after this regulation enforced, the percentage of internet bullying was decreased sharply to 14.2%. When we saw this statistics, we can know that internet real name system can decrease internet bullying dramatically. As a result, I think internet real name system should be enforced in Korea.

Second, upright internet culture&morality. There has a lots of damage when internet real name system is not enforced. Keyboard warriors can write bad words openly and they do not know seriousness of internet bullying. This can occur loss of morality to keyboard warriors. Also, internet bullying can affect victims in the extreme situation such as suicide. However, if internet real name system enforced, keyboard warriors can recover morality since they think one more time when they write bad words to other people and victims can avoid extreme situation when internet real name system enforced. There is an example about this case. In 2008, Korean talent named 최진실 suicide because of internet bullying. Before she committed suicide, she read 6.000 internet bullyings. I think that if internet real name system enforced before this incident, she can survive although she read internet bullyings because she can find who wrote bad words to her. Therefore, I think internet real name system should be enforced. Also, according to columnist Lee-Yun-Bae, he wrote that to make upright internet culture, government and relative organs should contribute to Internet purification.

Third, some people says that internet real name system can invade freedom of expression, however I think it is not important. Although netizens names are revealed, they can post their writings freely and internet real name system's objective is that to punish keyboard warriors who wrote bad words to other people. This is not an invasion of privacy. Also, freedom of expression go with responsibility. If there is no responsibility in freedom, it is not a freedom, but a self-indulgence. In other words, if keyboard warriors wrote bad words to other people and hurt victims, they don't have responsibility about their saying and therefore, they don't need to have freedom of expression.

To sum up, I was writing about 'Internet real name system should be enforced.' In this resolution, I wrote in the pro side, and I mentioned decrease of internet bullying, upright internet culture&morality, and refutation about invading freedom of expression. Before I end up this essay, I want to suggest to you to think about victims of internet bullying. They chose extreme situation such as suicide or come down with depression and depends on medicine forever. This situation shouldn't be occurred if internet real name system enforced earlier. Internet real name system can save victims from trench of hell. After you read this essay, I hope you should support about enforcing internet real name system.


Professor Jo-So-Young's paper: The Constitutional Meaning and Limits of Mandatory Authentication Measures under Information and Communications Network Act, etc.
http://www.dbpia.co.kr/Journal/ArticleDetail/2961518?TotalCount=1&Seq=1&Collection=0&q=%5B%EC%9D%B8%ED%84%B0%EB%84%B7%20%EC%8B%A4%EB%AA%85%EC%A0%9C%20%EC%9D%98%EC%9D%98%EC%99%80%20%ED%95%9C%EA%B3%84%C2%A7coldb%C2%A72%C2%A751%C2%A73%5D&Sort=1&SortType=desc&Page=1&PageSize=20&searchWord=%EC%A0%84%EC%B2%B4%3D%5E%24%EC%9D%B8%ED%84%B0%EB%84%B7%20%EC%8B%A4%EB%AA%85%EC%A0%9C%20%EC%9D%98%EC%9D%98%EC%99%80%20%ED%95%9C%EA%B3%84%5E*&SearchAll=%EC%9D%B8%ED%84%B0%EB%84%B7%20%EC%8B%A4%EB%AA%85%EC%A0%9C%20%EC%9D%98%EC%9D%98%EC%99%80%20%ED%95%9C%EA%B3%84&Multimedia=0&isFullText=0&isIdentifyAuthor=0


Lee-yun-bae's column about internet anonymity and internet real name system :
http://www.dbpia.co.kr/Journal/ArticleDetail/1128491?TotalCount=61&Seq=22&Collection=0&q=(%5B%EC%9D%B8%ED%84%B0%EB%84%B7%20%EC%8B%A4%EB%AA%85%EC%A0%9C%C2%A7coldb%C2%A72%C2%A751%C2%A73%5D)&Sort=1&SortType=desc&Page=2&PageSize=20&searchWord=%EC%A0%84%EC%B2%B4%3D%5E%24%EC%9D%B8%ED%84%B0%EB%84%B7%20%EC%8B%A4%EB%AA%85%EC%A0%9C%5E*&SearchAll=%EC%9D%B8%ED%84%B0%EB%84%B7%20%EC%8B%A4%EB%AA%85%EC%A0%9C&Multimedia=0&isFullText=0&isIdentifyAuthor=0


The  first reason statistics about : http://cizion.tistory.com/377

Peer evaluation for 20324 한주희

Peer Evaluation for 20323 최유림

According to the rubric above, what grade would you give this essay? Why?

Her essay deserves 5 points. Her essay is techincally perfect, and very persuasive.

How does this essay need to improve to get a better grade?

I think her essay is perfect so she don't need to improve it.

Thesis
What is the thesis?

Language or culture, which one is more dominant?

Is the thesis clear and debatable?
Yes and Yes.

If you (The reviewer) wrote this essay, how would you have written the thesis?

Language is more dominant than culture.

Any other thoughts?
Her thesis is interesting. I think this thesis can make good persuasive essay.

Classical Argument
Can you easily identify the 5 parts of the classical argument? If no, what parts are missing?

There are 5 parts of the classical argument.

Does the introduction catch your attention? Does it comfortably lead to the thesis?
The introduction catch my attention because she inserted some theories. Also, it comfortably lead to the thesis.

Does the narration give all the necessary background information to understand the topic?
Yes. She wrote narration by citing expert's theories.

Does the confirmation adequately support the thesis?
Yes. Her confirmation support the thesis very well.

Does the refutation and concession address a realistic counterpoint? Does it adequately dispute the counterpoint, or respond in a reasonable manner?
Yes. Her refutation and concession adequately dispute the counterpoint.

What suggestions do you have for improving the classical argument structure?
Her essay is very persuasive.

When you started reading the essay, did you agree or disagree with the thesis?
I agree with the thesis.

When you finished the essay, did you agree or disagree with the thesis?
I still agreed with the thesis.

If your mind changed, why? What parts of the essay were persuasive?
I did not change my mind.

How could the author enhance the persuasive parts of their essay?
It's persuasive, but if she add some additional sources, it will be more persuasive.

Research

Is the author using research effectively? 
Yes.

Is the research from appropriate sources?
 Yes.

Are the sources obvious?
Yes.

Are the pieces of evidence relevant to the thesis or essay?
Yes, sources are relevant to the thesis.

Are there any parts of the essay that need evidence to support the claims?
It's enough to support the claims.

Second Draft

Topic : Internet real name system should be enforced.

Lots of people started to communicate each other long time ago. They communicated with their parents, friends, co-workers, etc. Until the 1970s, they communicated each other to face-to-face, however, when computers started to disseminated, people started to communicate through computers. Propagation of computers are good for all humans, because they can communicate easily although they stay far away. However, propagation of computers also have negative effects. One of the problem is anonymity. People say bad words to other people through computers, while using internet anonymity. Because of them, victims are damaged and sometimes, victims take extreme actions such as suicide. Some says regulating internet anonymity is violating freedom of expression, however, I think internet anonymity should be regulated.

Before I start this essay, I would like to define netiquette. Netiquette is the combination of network and etiquette. It means that as there is etiquette in social activities, there is a etiquette in the network activities. Next, I will going to define internet anonymity. Internet anonymity means that people who use internet hides their real names and reveal their nicknames so other people can't distinguish who write comments. Last, all I'm saying is in the case of Korea, and internet anonymity became effective in 2007, however it ceased because of some citizen's complaint. Based on these, I think Internet anonymity should be regulated because of reduction of internet bullying, support of the people, and not invading freedom of expression(refutation).

First, reduction of internet bullying. If internet anonymity were regulated, internet can be orderly place because people are scared of posting internet bullying while their real name is revealed through internet communities and as a result, people who post something will think one more time. This situation can cause decrease of the number of internet bullying. To prove this, after enforcing internet real name system, the percentage of internet bullying reduced about 1.7%. It was not a great effect, however, I think that reducing internet bullying is meaningful of internet real name system, not a percentage of reduction of internet bullying. As a result, I think internet real name system should be enforced.

Second, support of the people. Lots of people supported about internet real name system. There are lots of surveys about agreeing internet real name system. When the congress voted about enforcing internet real name system, the majority of people, who works  in 한나라당, 민주노동당, 자유선진당, 창조한국당, 진보신당 agreed to enforce internet real name system. Also, when government surveyed each ages about enforcing internet real name system, all age group agreed to enforce internet real name system. In addition, the majority of women and men also agreed to implement internet real name system. We can also see that every regional groups agreed more about internet real name system. Furthermore, The professor named 이재교 wrote a column in December, 5, 2008, which was about delaying internet real name system is no sense. Like these, when we saw this surveys and a column, lots of people wants to have a internet real name systems. Therefore, internet real name system should be enforced.

Third, some says that internet real name system invades a freedom of expressions, however I don't think that it is not important. Opposing internet real name system because of invasion of privacy is nonsense. People who insist maintaining internet anonymity says that since internet users names are revealed through the Internet, they are hard to write their posts because of invasion of privacy. However, I think that despite maintaining internet anonymity, it's hard to guarantee individuals privacy. In any case, it's hard to guarantee individuals privacy, so I think that enforcing internet real name system is more beneficial rather than writing a bad words to other people by using anonymity. As a result, opinions of opponents about internet real name system is not important.

  Until now, I wrote about enforcing internet real name system. To sum up, I think internet real name system should be enforced. I mentioned reduction of internet bullying, support of the people, and refutation about invading freedom of expression. Development of internet enables people to communicate more easier. They can communicate through lots of websites. However, in the act of communicating, some people use bad words to other people, while using their nicknames. This can be a criminal act. If internet anonymity maintained, lots of people will be damaged because of internet bullying and in the extreme case, some victims try to suicide because of internet bullying. Internet bullying is a serious problem not only in Korea, but also in worldwide. A short word can cause other people damaged, which we called cutting remarks. To solve this problem, internet real name system should be enforced. By enforcing internet real name system, internet can be a orderly place and no internet bullying place.

SURVEYS

http://kin.naver.com/qna/detail.nhn?d1id=11&dirId=110201&docId=208472959&qb=7J247YSw64S3IOyLpOuqheygnCDssKzshLEg7J6Q66OM&enc=utf8&section=kin&rank=2&search_sort=0&spq=0&sp=1&pid=SamTmlpySoVssZhTTIRsssssssd-180709&sid=VFhWGgpyVo8AAEYJHrE

http://kin.naver.com/qna/detail.nhn?d1id=13&dirId=130205&docId=138420018&page=1#

Research 11/4

Research

Surveys said that 62.7% of students responded that internet anonymity can reduce internet bullying.
Also, another survey said that 63.1% of people who are older than 19 said that internet anonymity should be enforced.
Eric Schmidt, who is the president of goolge said that "we have to find methods about catching internet bulliers and deleting their posts." Also, he said that  "At least in SNS, internet anonymity should be enforced."
The professor named 이재교 wrote a column in December, 5, 2008, which was about delaying internet anonymity is no sense."

http://kin.naver.com/qna/detail.nhn?d1id=11&dirId=110201&docId=208472959&qb=7J247YSw64S3IOyLpOuqheygnCDssKzshLEg7J6Q66OM&enc=utf8&section=kin&rank=2&search_sort=0&spq=0&sp=1&pid=SamTmlpySoVssZhTTIRsssssssd-180709&sid=VFhWGgpyVo8AAEYJHrE

self evaluation

1. What score do you think you deserve?

I think I can got 1 points. My body paragraphs are not logical more than I expected.

2. What did you do well?

I think I chose my resolution well. My resolution was interesting for me and I can find lots of resources that fits for my resolution.

3. What could you have done better?

I think I should find more resources. My resolution has lots of resources, however I think first draft's resources were insufficient more than I expected.

4. Which part of classical argument did you use the best? 

I think I was good at writing Introduction. I think my introduction is attractive to audience who saw my first draft.

5. Which part of classical argument did you use more poorly?

I think that I should wirte more reasons about my resolution. My body paragraph is not much logical and it's not persuasive to audience. Also, my refutation and concession is very weak. I think opponents are not be persuaded about my reasons.

6. What's your strategy to make your second draft better?

I should find more resources to supply my body paragraphs, and I should write my body paragraphs more logical. If these things are done, my second draft will be more persuasive than the first draft. Also, I should write my refutation more persuasively to convince oppoents more. I will do my best.

conclusion

Topic : Internet anonymity should be enforced.

To sum up, internet anonymity should be enforced. I mentioned that after internet anonymity enforced, lots of people will think once again about their comments and as a result, internet bullying will be decreased sharply. Next, internet anonymity can improve national security, and I mentioned an example of North-Korea's cyber attack. Last, as a refutation, some people said that internet anonymity can occur personal information leakage, and invade freedom of expression, however, I think it can be solved by managing themselves and writing comments legally. Cyber space is very very scary place because lots of people freely write their thoughts although their thoughts can damage other people. However, if internet anonymity enforce immediately, people who wrote bad comments can think once again and as a result, internet can be a orderly place and anyone will be damaged by internet bullying.